Angel

fuck off....

2005-10-23T14:03:14Z

I'm not even gonna try to explain my mood b/c there are no words....the only words I can think of to describe me right now are....cold, empty, lonly, scared, the list could go on I guess but I just can't think of any more right now I don't really wanna type anything else b/c it seems that everyone already knows my business...so I'm just gonna leave it at this me and Will are still broken up....and now he's with Bev. and I'm with Dan...So all is good and hunky-dori...yea...bullshit!!! I'm gonna shut up now and post my lyrics and go...peace....
*~*NeVaEh*~*

DISTURBED

"Stricken"

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

You don't know what your power has done to me
I want to know if I'll heal inside
I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know how your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run
I can't let you go
Yes I am stricken and can't let you go

Savage Garden

"I knew I loved You"

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
A little crazy but I believe

Chorus

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
A little crazy but I believe

Repeat chorus

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

Ginuwine

"Differences"

Oh hey...
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah
To you
Mmm...mmm...mmm...
Oh, yeah, babe

Chorus:
I’m so in love, so deep in love
My whole life has changed
Since you came in, I knew back then
You were that special one

You make my love complete
You are so sweet, no one competes
Glad came into my life
You blind me with you love, with you I have no sight

Verse 1:

Girl, you open me, I’m wide open
And I’m doing things I never do
But I feel so good, I feel so good
Why it take so long, me finding you

This is my story and I’m telling you
It’s not fiction, it’s surely a fact
Without you right here having my back
I really don’t know just where I’d be at

Chorus:

My whole life has changed (my whole life has changed)
Since you came in, I knew back then (ooh...oh...)
You were that special one (you were that)
I’m so in love, so deep in love

You make my love complete (you make my love complete)
You are so sweet (oh,oh), no one competes
Glad came into my life
You blind me with your love, with you I have no sight

Verse 2:

I analyzed myself, I was buck wild
Never thought about settling down
But all the time I knew I was ready
But not with all my friends around

But girl, I put you first now (I put you first now)
You made me, helped mold me (helped mold me, baby)
Turned me into a man, I’m so responsible
And I owe it all to you

Chorus:

My whole life has changed (my whole life has changed)
Since you came in, I knew back then (oh, oh)
You were that special one (you were that special one)
I’m so in love, so deep in love (oh, oh, oh...)

You make my love complete (you make my love complete)
You are so sweet, no one competes
Glad came into my life (so glad you came in)
You blind me with your love (blind me, baby)
With you I have no sight

Bridge:

{god blessed me} God has blessed me, baby
Girl, he was good to me when he sent you
{I’m so happy, baby}
I’m so happy, I’m so happy, baby, oh, yes, baby
{share my world} come and share my world, baby
Oh...whoa...yeah, yeah
{I’m so in love} I’m so in love
I’m addicted to your love, baby, yeah...

Chorus:

My whole life has changed (oh, yes, it has)
Since you came in, I knew back then (ooh)
You were that special one (you were that very, very special one)
I’m so in love (you were that very, very special one), so deep in love

You make my love complete (you make my love complete)
You are so sweet (yes, you are baby) no one competes (no one competes, oh)
Glad came into my life
You blind me with your love (come on), with you I have no sight

WILL : I hope you remember this song...It still means a lot to me...I just hope it does the same for you.. Please never foget or let go...

Well...those are my lyrics for now...those of you who accually took the time to read them ...Thank You...I'ma gonna go for now Leave a comment if u wish...

I don't wanna talk about it...

2005-10-10T01:19:45Z

I haven't updated in a while but shit is still going pretty shitty...Me and Will broke up b/c I'm a dumbass and now I don't know what is going on...I wanna cry and I've been crying for the past 2 days now and I feel like I'm being ripped from the inside...But I'm gonna shut up for now and post some lyrics so comment me if u wish...

Scars of Life
Silent Words

Inside alone
this world's coming down on me again
Nowhere to run to
as these twisted thoughts flow through my head
I never wanted to break away
Can't help that I don't feel the same
And now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame

These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees

I stare into myself I'm scared
of what I just might find
A reflection of my past
something I've always tried to hide
Now my life is coming apart
Why must I always be this way?
Now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame

These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees

I can no longer take this
The pain that lives inside of me
Must find a way to erase this
So I can finally breathe

These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees
one sees

H.I.M
One Last Time

Is it so hard to believe our hearts
are made to be broken by love
then in constand dying lies the beauty of it all
my darling won't you feel
the sweet heaven in our endless cry

oh at least you could try
for this one last time

ever amazed how bright are the flames
we are burning in
ever smiled at the tragedies
we hold inside
won't you cherish the fear of live that keeps
you and me so alive

H.I.M.
Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart

let me wake up in your arms, you say it's not alright
let me be so dead and gone, so far away from life
close my eyes, hold me tight
and bury me deep inside your heart

all I ever wanted was you my love
you're all I ever wanted you, my love

let me never see the sun, never see you smile
let us be so dead and so gone
so far away from life
just close my eyes, hold me tight
and bury me deep inside your heart

That's it...I'm gonna go for now...

This one's for Will...

2005-09-03T18:00:19Z

This entry is for my very wonderful fiance...Will...I love you baby soo much...More than anything in this whole wide world you are my baby boi forever!! You have always been there for me....always always always...And I'm in a very good mood so I decided to write and entry just for you!! You were always there for me to cry on to laugh with or just to cuddle with. I can talk to u about anything and I know you won't get mad or judge me about anything and u accually like the fact that I act like a lil kid most of the time. I am so glad that you got to come over to Lori's last night it was soo wonderful to see you!! Even tho ur banned from my house and I'm not really sopossed to see you out of school I still do it ne ways! And I pretty much will until they decide to like u again or until I move out which ever comes first! I don't care what they say you will allways b my baby boi! wether they like it or not!! They can't tell me who to love! And they never will!! EVER EVER EVER!! B/C I really do wanna stay wit chu forever and always! I've never been happier than what I am with you! You make me sooo happy I don't know if I could ever explain it to you in words!! You mean more than I could ever explain to you! I want to stay wit you even after the end of time...I had found this song when my friend Cherish bought me this c.d. for my birthday and it's what I'm listening to but it really reminds me of will soo i'ma gonna post the lyrics to it too! here ya go...

Warmness On The Soul

Your hazel green tint eyes watching every move I make.
And that feeling of doubt, it's erased.
I'll never feel alone again with you by my side.
You're the one, and in you I confide. And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your loves always been true as can be.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart, cause nothing can compare in this world to you.

This entry was strictly to Will but I'm making it public b/c I don't care if the whole world knows that I love him!! I'll update sometime l8r...peace...
*~*AnGeL*~*

Well this is how shit is going for now....

2005-08-28T20:16:09Z

Well I'm not exactly sure how things are going right now...But I think I'm pretty much typing to myself cause I don't even think ne ones reads these things ne ways..but oh well...Things between me and Will are ok I guess...Well with us together their great just that minor damn detail that he's BANNED from my house kinda fucks a few things up if ya know what I mean...I feel like a damn 5 year old saying this but oh fucking well...I miss my mom!!! I wish that my grandparents would let her come back home...But I know that will never happen...I miss being able to see her whenever I want to and just going to go hang out together basically whenever we wanted to...the memories are both great and horrible all at the same time...I'ma gonna shut up about me missing my mommy! I also miss my fiance more than ne thing!!! Last night he came up bout 12 something and we just sat in my drive way for almost an hour or so and I finally found that peace that I had sooo longed for...Just that peace of being in his arms...That is my place..that is where I wanna b for the rest of time...when my grandparents banned me from him...and my mom had to take him back over to Donnie's and I had to say goodbye not knowing when the next time was that I was going to see him had to be one of the hardest things I've ever done...Just to give him that hug and kiss and see him walk away...I went to my room and just bawled up a storm!! My whole pillow was soaked from all the tears...It was horrible...but now we're back in school and I get to see him everyday!! And I have 2nd period with him which is great!! I just wish that I had lunch with him too...I miss him more than I could ever explain...He is my whole world...My everything and more!! I love him with a full heart!! Every part of my heart and soul loves him!! And when I am apart from him it cries for that warmth of just being in his arms once more...I wrote this lil poem thing a few days after he got banned and I just thought that I'd put it in here.... "I can't stop the tears I cry for you...I miss you more than you'll ever know...and I long for that peace that I once had just laying in your arms.." and last night I felt like I had finally found that peace once again...But I am gonna go for now...leave a comment on this if you would like to... peace everyone...
*~*Angel*~*

hello again all....shit still sucks...lol

2005-07-30T19:58:00Z

Hello all how is everyone doing today? I could be better I have a buttload of family up 2 uncles 1 aunt and 5 cousins...not exactly what I would call "fun" but oh well I guess....I haven't gotten to see Will too much this past week cause I was grounded from him and the phone for a week and I got off today so he came over for about 45 min...but it's still too short..I still miss him! He said he might come by again on his lunch break soo now I guess I just wait till he gets here but even if he does he'll only be able to stay for about 10 min. he only get 1/2 an hour for lunch....grrr....well hell at least it's better than not seeing him at all...I don't really like having family up...most of the time I lock myself in my room to get away from them all but I felt like gettin on so here I am...being bored outta my fuckin mind! Earlier today I got bitched out and almost grounded for another week b/c I was soposed to clean my room and I thought I had but aparentally it didn't fit my grandmothers standards so I had to go re-clean it...somtimes I really wonder if I can please them atoll...Oh well fuck 'em I hopefully won't be living here much longer anyways...In about 2 weeks I'll finally be 15 and my mom is sopossed to get one of the trailors from Will's dad and so I'll prolly try to move in with her...even tho I know I'll prolly have to get a job and help with the bills and shit but I don't mind as long as it gets me the fuck outta here!! I could really care less!! I'd do just bout anything just to get outta this house for good!! I already told my g'ma that if I'm still living here when I turn 18 I'm outta here and I don't plan on coming home for Christmas dinner! lol lol !! Well I guess I'ma gonna get off of here and go lock myself in my room I can stand the stupid little kids screaming anymore...PEACE..
*~*AnGeL*~*

I'm Finally updating...woot woot!

2005-07-21T19:02:12Z

Hello all...How is everyone this very dismal/bright day...I am farley good..bored and I wish that I could see will but i'm alive...I've seen my mom a few times since the last update and both times that she has come up to the house have both been hell...The first time we had to go through the whole mom don't leave she pushes up outta the way and still leaves bullshit that i've subducted myself to for as long as I can remember and then the second time she came up her and my grandparents started fighting right in front of Will...And I got soo pissed... I didn't want him to have to hear my fucked up family argue...it's bullshit anyways...But Will took her back home and then shit started to ease up a little bit and I have yet to talk to her since then...OH well tho...And to top that story off...My grandparents won't let her come back home! It sucks MAJOR! But shit...there's nothing I can do about it cause it's not my house I just live here! But besides all that fruity shit...There's not been much more than that happening I have a pretty boring life...lol lol...Oh yea...And My other grandma and her newest husband broke up the other day so their not together anymore...I'm not sure if my dad is happy about that or not...I wanna go see my uncle Chris but I'm not sure how i'm going to since my mom moved out...oh well I guess...I still get to see Will every once in a while when he can come up soo I'm happy...But meeting outside of my house is a little hard cause I'm kicked out of the bowling alley until the day b4 my birthday...and he's kicked out of the fag-o-tory for 6 months soo yea...that makes shit a little hard there...lol..also my grandparents won't let me go over to his house because they think we're not supervised enough...lol lol...Well I can't think of anything else to tell ya'll pplz soo I guess I'ma gonna go for now I'll try to update l8r on...Luv much u guys...Peace
*~*AnGeL*~*

i'm back bitches!!

2005-06-25T18:34:03Z

Hello all sorry I haven't updated in a long time my grandpa locked me out of the damn computer...bastard...lol ne ways let's see if I can sum some shit up on how shit's been going l8tly...well, all I really have to say is that life has been both awesome and really shit all at the same time...which is pretty normal for me but ne ways...god...lol it's been awesome because I've been able to see Will almost everyday this summer and I love him soo much!! In other ways....it's been shitty with all the shit i've had to go through with my mom and all the bullshit that she's pulled up here l8tly...Right now I don't have a phone it fucked up....and I have no idea where she's at or anything but oh well I guess..there's not much I can do about it...Fuck it..ya know? yeah well I'ma gonna go for now don't really have anything else to say besides I love you Will and I miss you!!
*AnGeL*

...

2005-06-01T22:51:42Z

Today has been okay...I had to go to the orothodontist and they fucked with my teeth so their a little sore. But I've gotten to talk to my baby for a while today so I'm ok...I miss you soooo much Will...18 days are gonna drag by soooo slow...I can not wait till u get back!! Also today, I got to talk to some of my old friends that I had on msn messenger and I just figured out how to get it to work a little while ago...So I got to talk to Corey, Jared, and Dustin...it was great...I haven't talked to any of them espically Corey or Dustin in the longest time!!

I'm hoping that my mom will come around here after Josh leaves...No offense to my brother or nuttin but ever since him and mom got together and ratted me out for all that shit...It's just been like them two...then me...I hate the way I have to say something to my mom 1st before she'll even accnologize that i'm alive...Oh well, fuck it...That's how it was when I was younger and I got used to it then why can't I now ya know? I'ma gonna go for now I just thought that I'd pip in and leave an update for my day ...it wasn't much ...I love you Will...forever and always...
*Angel*

I should tell someone? hmmm....

2005-05-31T16:43:54Z

this was a fucked up quiz but hell I got my old councelor back so maybe it'll help..lol lol j/k j/k I dunno bout this damn thing...Ne ways..I miss you soo much Will and I can't wait till u get to come back down! I love you! and I'll ttyl
*AnGeL*

Take the quiz: "Should you tell someone about your problems?"

Yes you definantly should tell someone!
You seem pretty messed up in my opinion. I think you should tell someone soon b4 you do something that could really fuck you up. Tell someone of athority, someone you trust.

here's another one....I don't know If I'm gothic or not I think I'm more of a punk rocker but ohwell I guess...lol

Take the quiz: "Are U a Rocker,a Punk,aGothic,a Girly Girl,Tom Boy,or a wannabe Ghetto? (Girls required only)"

Gothic
cool.......i love gothics........they are the most uniqiuest people livin in this fuckin world..........i have problems with punks....but not with gothics......ur personality is so unique......always live the life...........or else the scene would soon be extict and i or anyone doesnt want that..........

I dunno??

2005-05-31T14:05:45Z

This is fuckin bullshit...Last night my mom told my grandparents everything bad that I've done...I NEVER would have thought that she would have done that. She always said "naa, Jessy, I don't care." Well aparentally she does or maybe she just had one of those "I am A BIG CHRISTIAN" days of hers again..she does that sometimes but never as bad as this before...My grandparents I don't think have ever hated me as much as they did last night! My mom told them a lot of things that yea were true and that I had done but also soemthings that weren't true. She lost so much trust in me last nite...It used to b that I could talk to her about anything but she just lost all privilages with me talking to her about shit...It's over...I don't want her shit anymore. This morning my grandparents have my old counceler over to fill out some paper work so she can start seeing me again and my grandparents had written down a lot of the things that I had done wrong in the past few weeks/months and set the papers ontop of the refrigerator and My grandpa came upstairs bitchin at me asking me where I put them. I didn't take jack shit!! He was in the kitchen when I woke up this morning it'd b a little hard to steal papers when he's sitting at the damn table wouldn't it? I'd think so...but no aparentally I can do all the un-thinkable bad things....Fuck that and fuck them....Also to make my day so much better...I just found out that Will has to stay up in VA till the 18th of June...I get off being grounded the 12th if they don't ground me longer for the shit my mom told them...Everything in life is just fuckin peachy...Oh well, there's not much that I can do about all this shit so fuck it...I don't even care ne more...I'ma gonna go so u guys don't have to read me bitch anymore! I love you Will...Always and Forever...Talk to ya l8r hopefully.....
*Angel*

The Keys To My Heart huh?

2005-05-27T16:27:52Z

I think this one is a little more closer to me than the other one was...I miss you soo much Will...I feel that we are a million miles apart!! I can't wait for u to get back down here!! Tell your mom and Tripp that I said hi and to keep ur punk ass outta trouble so u can come back down and please try to have fun while ur up there please baby...Well I'll talk to ya l8r baby...I love you!! forever and always!
~Angel

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Life as it is now...sry I haven't updated in a while

2005-05-22T15:16:04Z

Hello all...Srry I haven't updated in a while...I just figured out how to get back online since my uncle came up and tore the damn computer to fuckin pieces...*not literally*...He erased my whole file...and in that file I had pictures, poems, conversations between friends that I can't get back and just a bunch of shit that is now gone! OOHHH god was I pissed! lol. OH well tho...they told me that I wouldn't b able to get online from this new "family" file but it only took me a whopping 5 whole min. to get online! he he. We'll just not tell g'pa bout that one...He don't think I know too much bout computers but I was able to get back online so I'm happy!
Well...After all the shit with Colby and Will it's pretty much all over!! I'm once again back with Will but this time i'm hoping it'll last! We are going to try to ride it out while he's in VA. And it's gonna b hard but I'm sure we can do it!! And now Colby and Morgan are back together again too...and what I think is sooooo funny is that the other day at the bowling alley just about every time he kissed her he'd look up at me to see if I was watching and getting upset or pissed off or sumthing...but cha know whut?? I'M NOT!! he he! I noticed what he was doing so I started up saying shit like " you ain't gonna break me hunnie....noooo" or " I know whut ur doing and it ain't pissing me off" "I think this is SOOO funny" I even went up to Morgan and told her what was going on and she just started laughing...I see it as it's his life and he's gonna go out with and kiss who ever the fuck he wants too...I DONT CARE!! lol lol. He should have that right to...and he does. I'm dating Will and I don't want him back! I also don't want ne of his bullshit back either! Srry Colby that's how I feel now!
Will and I are doing great!! I haven't been this happy in a while...He's just...god, I don't even know how to explain it...He show's me that he cares all the time and that he loves me and when I'm not with him I miss him and think about him always...The only bad thing that I can think of about our relationship is that he has to leave this Wednesday to go back to VA and I'm going to miss him SOOOO MUCH!!! But he'll b back! He's gonna try to come down for the 4th of July and I hope he gets to. If we can make it through this shit after that should b easy! He asked me a few days ago if I was afraid of him cheating on me and I said no...He has never given me any reason not to trust him...I just hope he trusts me in return...

Well pplz I'm gonna go for now..I'm gonna enter a poem that I wrote a while back then I'm out like a fat kid runnin for cake! Bye pplz! I LOVE YA WILL!! hope to c-ya soon!

*untitled* 4/13/05

I slit my wrists, you watch me bleed,
I no longer need life, no more in need,
I hate all this, this crazy shit life,
I now hate you, watch me pick up my knife,
I don't feel the pain, from this knife on my leg,
To feel your warmth, I'll no longer beg,
I hate and love you all at the same time,
All these emotions are being twisted into my rhymes,
I cried for you, You cried for me,
My tears of pain blind me,
I no longer see,
Exactly how much you love me,
Confusion smother me, I can no longer breathe,
Inside my heart is dying, but would you grieve?
Over the lost life of a girl, whom you once loved...

I'll try to get on some other time and update again....bye everybody!
~Navaeh

well things might get a little better...

2005-05-04T15:58:30Z

Well pplz...Me and Will are back together...I know that that is gonna kill Colby but it's what I see as right...as this very moment I am content...I feel bad in some ways for what I've done to Colby but it's just the things that he's done that has made me make up my mind as I have...And he told me that if I went back out with Will that him and I would b over *like for good* and I guess that's just a chance that I'm willing to take...I'm sorry Colby. I never ment for it to hurt as I know that it is going to...And if you do decide to move to Michagan then I'll go ahead and say that I loved you and that i'll miss ya and hopefully u'll come to visit. Just don't forget "us" or me...Hopefully u will find that one who makes u happy and will do what I could not. If u hate me for what I've done then I understand...I just hope that we can still be friends...

OK...Will...I hope u also made the right choice knowing that people are gonna give us bullshit about all this...I'm wiling to deal with it if u are. I can't do this alone..Srry for gettin suspended today. Ohhh my grandpa wasn't that mad I don't think. He just made me come home and do work for a little while then layed off of me. It wasn't that bad! lol Well now he wants me to go clean my upstairs room...I'm not sure exactly whut more I could do to it to make it any cleaner but oh well i'm not gonna argue cause I don't wanna fight started...I hate all the fighting that goes on at my house and everywhere else I go...It just seems to follow me around...shit's crazy!! crazy I tell ya!! lol lol Well I'm out like a fat kid after cake!! he he!! Laugh pplz it's sopossed to b funny!!

~Nevaeh~

hey...i can update twice in one day right?

2005-05-04T02:38:41Z

Well shit at home isn't gettin any more easier either...But I think finally things w/ all my guy problems maybe coming to an end...Both of them are gettin ready to move to different states and maybe that's when I'll lose it all...Colby is moving up to Michigan and Will is probably going back to Virginina *or how ever u spell it* I don't really want either of them to leave but there's not much I can do about it is there.....Nope ...din't think so. I think that I might accually be able to hear my heart as it cries and yells at me...it cries for the things i've done and haven't done and yells at me because of the things i've put it through...my arm is finally healing too but I have a nasty little habit of picking scabs so it's bleeding have u ever licked the blood from your wound...he he...Well....me and Will finally accually talked about everything that has been going on and I'm so glad that we finally did because if two people have a problem and just try to foget about it and box it inside it won't fix anything it'll just get bigger...ya know? I just know that my heart loves people and just some it can't let go when in all realitiy it probably should let them go...just so they can get on with their life and at least try to live normally **if there is something called "normal"** I want to be happy but by doing so I'll hurt someone...But also by doing nothing I still hurt them...When all this happened my intentions never were to hurt anyone!! But shit just ended up being that way and now there's not much that I can do about it..Well I'm gonna get off of here and go try to call some pplz...later for now..
**ROCK ON FOR THE HARDER DAYZ!! CAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS MORE TO COME!!**

~Navaeh~

.....tear....

2005-05-03T20:23:59Z

I'm not sure what to tell ya'll about my life this time...Life right now is still pretty shitty...I have not gotten to sleep b4 2 or 3 in the past 4 nites. I have either been crying till I couldn't anymore or talkin Colby out of stupid bullshit...Last nite I cried for god only knows how long...Colby took 20 250mg of Hydrocoden and I was so scared that he wouldn't make it...Yea me and him have our little squabbles and shit but that doesn't mean that I want ne thing bad to happen to him...He told me that him takin them was all my fault and that I didn't do anyone any good..well I dunno bout the doing ne one any good part but the other one I do blame myself for...I never told him to take them but that's just how shit ended up. I also endangered my own health last nite by taking 2 500mg loritabs that's not enough to kill me or ne thing but it will kick ur ass!! I don't know how many times I blacked out last nite. A part of my heart still mourns over Robin and when Colby threw that up in my face .... I just lost it...I don't know what came over me...He told my mom that if his mom found out what was going on and why he took those pills that she would never let him see me again but that wouldn't b my falut he was the one who took the pills and now he has to pay for what he's done...Everyone will pay for whut they've done in their life ...not always right away but eventually it will catch up with you. This is the poem that I wrote last nite...I didn't exactly finish it but I don't know what else I could do with it so here ya go....

My 2 Lost Loves...

My last decision stands, as I say my long goodbye,
My soul won't rest, it will just up and fly,
My razor cuts deep into my wrist,
Blood pours out in a simple bliss,
My heart dies, from the inside out,
My mind is in a daze, no longer in doubt,
I jump from the cliff, hit rock bottom and die,
Maybe someday everyone will be able to get by,
Without me here, everyone's lives will be better,
You kill yourself, inside I die,
I've lost 2 now, my two loves,
May their souls rest, and fly like the dove,
Because I can not take the pain anymore,
Life is nothing to me, just an evil bore,
I have accomplished nothing, only in the gain of pain,
Your face stays fresh in my mind, your face only I see,
They ask me what's wrong, I look at them and begin to cry and tell them to leave me be,
No one can understand my pain from inside, I long for that peace that comfort you once gave,
But u denied me, sent me away and now ur lying so deep and cold in ur grave,
I hope u know what u've done to me, all the shit u put me through,
Gave me ur posion, mixed it up with all ur hate and pain, an evil witches brew,
Now is when I leave u be, You brought me nothing, and now there's nothing left,
I now say goodbye, with my final breath..
"I'll miss you and I once loved you, but this is the end....Goodbye..."

I don't know why I wrote that last nite but I just did. I still think that I put on a pretty good show for people that I don't want to know what's going on inside..."are you okay.....yea, I'm fine ....just tired that's all" " ok if ur sure.....thankz" That's usually the conversation but no one will ever know the other side of Jessica...the side no one see's that no one understands...I am me but what part of me do you know? or do u know me at all? I now say goodbye for now...I'll update the rest of my pathetic life later...

~There's no subject for life as it is now...~

2005-04-27T20:25:14Z

*~*I wish that I would just disappear...because then no one would like/love me and I wouldn't have to hurt anyone...and all the pain that I feel and the other person would/is feeling wouldn't have to feel it any more. My past couple of weeks have had a very big variation...one day being happy and then the next I'm bawling my eyes out b/c of my own stupidity. Shit is sooo fucked up at school!! I hate it! one day I'm ok with my friends and then the next one of them wants to "supposedly" "beat my ass" Whut the fuck kinda friend is that? Hell if I know...Or maybe if I couldn't disappear maybe I could just go back in time and redo my whole freshman year...God how I wish...But seein as I can't really do either one...I have to live and deal with what I did to myself and the decisions that I made. I've hurt too many people to accept myself as the way I am. Maybe if I had never met any guys that I've dated in the past I wouldn't b the way I am now and they wouldn't of been hurt or hurting now. I will never forgive myself for the shit I've done...I don't even deserve it. Have u ever wished that u would just all of a sudden get a death bringing disease? I have and do! B/c If I wasn't here....maybe everyone would just be happier. I've tried to change my ways but...my whole life is about change and forgiveness. With my mom and dad and grandparents the fuckin drama and bullshit never seem to end w/ me...Only when I'm away does it seem to dim...Should I just go walking and never come back? My heart just needs to stop...with everything...beating, loving, feeling, every emotion that can cause pain or happiness. I just wanna live. Not breathe, just kinda be here, like the shadow that follows you as the sun goes down...I'll say my last goodbyes and kiss this world goodbye as I take my final breaths...Please don't cry for me...It's not worth your time...There's someone better out there for you...goodbye...

*~*Navaeh*~*

Hey everyone...I guess I'm gonna update this bitch now...

2005-04-23T15:05:41Z

Ok Will...I'm updating this thing...lol!! just for u!! I love spending time wit chu baby!! well i'm gonna write about shit that probably no body knows/cares bout but u... I love you!

I have a lot of shit going on in school ...w/ friends mainly...It's like I'm finally happy but then again, people can't be happy for me because I am happy. The friends I thought I had are steadily drifting away. I hate it! I've gotten in alot of trouble here l8tly where my g'ma has almost called the cops on me twice in the past 2 weeks...I just can't seem to keep my ass outta trouble...But one of the weird things is....I'm the ONLY one that gets grounded...maybe it's because my brother and sister are both 18 or older or maybe it's just cause I'm the "bad kid" in the family or as my aunt would say "Y do u have to be the destructive little family Goth? Can't u just be normal? Stop giving your grandparents so much crap!!" I'm not sure all the time what I do to cause them so much pain or why they return the favor so greatly. I know that they just care about me and don't want me to get hurt but in some ways I'm more destructive to myself than anyone else is! Well here is a poem I wrote last night for them!! I know they'll probably never read it but oh well...At first I wasn't gonna put it on here but I don't really care ne more it don't matta to me...here it is..and I might put the lyrics to the song I'm listening to on here too...i dunno yet ... Well I love ya'll ttyl...whenever I get off being grounded...

Maybe if... BY: Navaeh on 4/22/05

Maybe if, my music is loud enough,
They won't hear my screams,
Maybe if, I was a better kid,
They would love me more,
Maybe if, I did what they wanted,
They wouldn't yell at me,
Maybe if, I try to erase the pain,
It will slowly go away,
Maybe if, I didn't do the things I do,
They wouldn't hate me this much,
Maybe if, I tried harder,
They would slowly start to love me again,
Maybe if, I wasn't a punk,
They wouldn't judge me,
Maybe if, I didn't feel the pain,
I wouldn't cry as much,
Maybe if, I wasn't here,
They would finally be happy...

Avenged Sevenfold
I Won't See You Tonight part: 1

Cry alone, I've gone away,
No more nights, no more pain,
I've gone alone, took all my strength,
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight.

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood,
all the ones around me,
I cared for and (loved) most of all loved,
but I can't see myself that way,
please don't forget me or cry while I'm away,

It all built up, inside of me,
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free,
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame,
As bottles called my name, I won't see you tonight,

So far away, I'm gone. Please don't follow me tonight.
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright.

No more breath inside,
Essence left my heart tonight.

my past few days....

2005-04-16T17:42:54Z

My days since about yesterday have been either good or great... But from about Friday nite to about Wednesday have been hell w/ people at school and I've had to make this really big decision between these two guys and everyone kept putting it as some easy little choice but in all reality it's not! I have not even wanted to go to school l8tly but I made it through it all day by day...I ended up making my decision w/ Will...just because he is really sweet and don't do 1/2 the things that my ex of about 5 months Colby did. Not to diss Colby or nothing but I just couldn't take it anymore...I love him and he will always have a piece of my heart but it just wasn't gonna work out...He asked me on the phone last nite if I was happy with Will and all I could say was "YES" because I really am!! Yeah there are a few things that i'll have to get used to w/ Will but that's normal when u switch b/f's or g/f's...Because no one is the same and everyone has different ways of doing everything! But I have some cleaning to do so I guess i'm just gonna type in lyrics to a song and maybe put in one or two of my old poems...l8r ya'll...

Behind Blue Eyes by: Limp Bizkit

No one knows what it's like,
to be the bad man,
to be the sad man,
Behind Blue Eyes,
and no one knows,
What it's like to be hated,
to be faded to telling only lies,

Chorus:
But my dreams they aren't as empty,
as my conscious seems to be,
I have hours, only lonely,
my love is vengeance,
that's never free,

no one knows what it's like,
to feel these feelings,
like I do, and I blame you!
no bites back as hard,
on their anger,
none of my pain woe,
can show through
(Chorus)
discover l.i.m.p. say it (x4)

no one knows what it's like,
to be mistreated, to be defeated,
Behind Blue Eyes,
no one knows how to say,
that their sorry and don't worry,
I'm not telling lies,
(Chorus)

no one knows what its like,
to be the bad man, to be the sad man,
Behind Blue Eyes.

Never Know..

You never know what is going to happen,
You never know when you will die,
Or when your family will move,

But what you do know is that...
You know when your in love,
When you are in trouble,
When you are sad, happy, or mad.

So when your day comes,
For you to leave this earth,
You will be ready for whatever happens next.

If all of a sudden you were to die,
In a simple car crash,
You better hope that you forgave everyone,
And that your loved and treated everyone,
With respect for that will be held against you
Someday.

So I hope that you have learned a lesson tonite,
And take my words and use them for good,
So when your day is to come...
You will be ready for whatever happens next!

That poem kinda sucks and it is not one of my better ones but oh well...I don't really care...It kinda jumps from topic to topic over and over again and it is kinda messed up but if u get what u need to from it then u'll be ok... LOL

~Blondie

tonite has been hell...I am now numb to all emotions...

2005-04-09T03:09:09Z

Me and my b/f of a lil over 5 months just broke up tonite...and I yea I love him but I just couldn't do it anymore...I dont' know what is goin on in my head anymore... Life has showed me almost just how bad it can be. I can remember almost every good day and I know I can remember all the bad ones too...I just don't know which one levels out over the other... It was lyk somedays we were happy and then the next we were yelling at each other. I hated it! Never know what that day was gonna be like. Always having to watch what I say/do just to make sure I didn't piss him off...Yes I loved him and yea I think a part of me will always remember the good that we had but it is just time for me to move on with whut life I have left. I had my whole future planned out and it was always changing...I now don't know what i'm going to do after high-school...but I think one of my worst fears in the world is just ending up like my mom...Going through a bunch of different guys all the time and some of them beating the crap out of her like puttin her in the hospital or some shit like that. I'm so afraid of ending up like her... My head is so full of different thoughts and also with my heart feeling so many different emotions. I don't know if I will ever be completly able to love agian...I would just be afraid that all of this would happen to me all over again. I don't want the feeling of having to hurt someone just for me to be okay. I would sacrifice my own life for a few of my closest friends and they all know that I would it's just...fuck...I don't even know how to begin to tell you...I'm just gonna stop bitchin now and try to write a poem...let's see how bad I write tonite...nevermind...I don't really wanna write...I'm just gonna go.. I'll talk to ya'll pplz l8r...Here's the lyrics to Buried Alive by OTEP I really like this song...

BURIED ALIVE

[intro]

i speak in verses
prophecies & curses
....i hate my life.

[verse]

no miracle is coming ....[hate you]
it's just a hole
nothing's wrong with you
must maintain control

everyone's asking questions
no place is safe
i'll forfeit resurrection
to escape the pain

... i hate my life.

[chorus]

I HATE MY LIFE.

[verse]

i speak in verses
prophecies & curses

this storm of thorns is growing ....[hate me]
there's no end in sight
chaos claws my jaw
& incites a mental riot

i'm in the mouth of madness
with a tongue of poetry
i ate the spine of Atlas
now the world is crushing me

.... i hate my life.

[chorus]

I HATE MY LIFE.

[outro]

BURIED ALIVE BEHIND ENEMY LINES
SURROGATE CHILD FOR THE SINS OF ALL MANKIND

HATE!!

BURIED ALIVE BEHIND ENEMY LINES
[buried alive, buried alive]

FOR THE SINS OF ALL MANKIND!

That's it.....if ya ever get a chance go to their website otep.com and listen to it...
~Blondie

Have u Ever? and some poems

2005-04-04T01:14:20Z

Have you ever been soo confused about soemthing that has been on your mind for a long time and not have anyone to talk to about it...well that's where i'm at today...i'm tired of life and the way it's going!! I don't wanna pitty or for anyone to feel sorry for me and I don't wanna talk about it soo i'm just gonna shut up and type my poems....

Broken Amore

Through my head the memories run,
I remember you, I remember us,
Now that we're apart,
I have that lonely feeling of emptiness in my heart,
I don't know if I will ever be the same,
I'm afraid of trying to love again,
Afraid to say I love you, and then,
With the fear that it would just be a lie,
My heart cries out for the one,
The one that truely loves me for me,
And won't love me for a while,
Then fall out of love,
Will I find the one,
Or waste my life away searching,
It is so hard to tell,
What I'm feeling,
Is it love, or just a game,
My heart is broken,
My emotions left unspoken,
Neither is helping me through all my past loves,
I've had so many guys tell me they love me,
Then it is never so,
I wish I had never loved,
That none of this would have started,
Now is when I let you be,
I'll keep the memories forever,
Locked away deep inside my heart,
I'll never know, who's meant for me,
Maybe one day the tears will cease...

Leave Me Alone...

I can't stand it anymore,
I curl up and cry on the floor,
It's not the same,
There's no one left to blame,
I sit alone and cry,
Sometimes wishing to die,
I just can't take the pain,
I scream and cry in vain,
All I have left is one friend,
I feel like i've hit the end,
They scream and yell at me,
Please leave and let me be,
Lines of mascara run down my face,
My mind starts wandering into another place,
After this I don't know what I'm goin to do,
The skies are still blue,
And the stars still bright,
And yet I still run in fright.

Childhood Memories...

I remember as a child,
The way you'd look at me,
The way you'd walk out the door,
When all your kids are crying "Don't Leave,"
I can remember the first time I cried,
When you walked away,
From all your pain deep inside,
I hate the way I remember,
All these childhood memories,
Of all the times, I hid and cried,
All alone,
No one around to comfort me,
You told me, you wished I was never born,
It may not look like it,
But it really hurt,
I HATE all those childhood memories!

My New Best Friend...

I feel like I'm deserted,
I feel like I'm alone,
People get down,
But not as down as me.

I have been there,
I have been the extra mile,
I feel like I'm alone,
All my friends have moved on,
Have left,
And now I am alone.

Some people get down,
But not as down as me,
Do you know why I am alone?
Or why I am down?

I was hoping that you would know,
So you could help me.

Can you help me find myself?
I am alone come and find me,
And be my new best friend.

I feel very happy,
I am very glad,
That I have you,
As My New Best Friend.

________________________

I'll write more in here in a while but I don't wanna type anymore I have shit to do...Hope u enjoyed reading my past...

*Angel*